You Matter!

  24 Apr 2018

We don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are.”  Anais Nin

A friend asked, “Why is it that many of us don’t read a memo that comes down the pike?”  Perhaps it is because we are oral people.  We’d rather talk about it then read about it.  Or we just don’t trust what they say.  Also, our insecurity trigger some fear in us and we become apprehensive.

Our culture is performance oriented so we’re shamed for imperfect performance.

If we’re honest with ourselves, we’d admit that most us were verbally/emotionally abused growing up  starting with name calling or labeling.  A woman said about verbal abuse, “Aika chosisechakl.”  I suppose so but, do we have to break the heart of a child to teach them something?  Some were neglected both physically and emotionally.  Some were bullied by their parents and teachers. Then there are the spoiled and entitled in our midst.  Therefore, most of our emotional reaction is generated not by the sentences we read (or hear) but by the way we are thinking. The moment you have a certain thought and believe it, you will experience immediate emotional response. Our thought actually creates the emotion. Dr. David Burns calls this “cognitive distortion”.

Dr. Burns gives us ten definitions of cognitive distortions.  These thinking and feeling are universal. So instead of reacting defensively about our siukang, lets look at some of them and process, understand them and move on to developing new thinking.

For example, you are a housewife, and your heart sinks when your husband has just complained disgruntedly that tial odoim a kmal mecherocher. The following thought crosses your mind: “I’m a total failure. I can’t stand it!  I can never do anything right.  I work like a slave and this is all the thanks I get! The jerk!”  These thoughts cause you to feel sad and angry. 

Now your distortions include one or more of the following:  all-or-nothing thinking; overgeneralization; magnificaton, labeling or all of the above.   When you tell yourself, “I’m a total failure,” you engage in all-or-nothing thinking.  Cut it out, Girl!  The odoim was a little salty but that doesn’t make your entire life a total failure.  When you think “I never do anything right”, you are overgeneralizing.  Never? Come on now.  Not anything?  When you tell yourself, “I can’t stand it,” you are magnifying the pain you are feeling.  You’re blowing it out of proportion because you are standing on it, and if you are, you can. Your husband’s grumbling is not exactly what you like to hear, but it’s not a reflection of your worth.  Finally when you proclaim, “I work like a slave and this is all the thanks I get! The jerk!” you are labeling both of you.  Jerky behavior exists, but jerks do not.  Also it’s really silly to label yourself a slave. You’re just letting his moodiness sour your evening.

I had to renew my thinking that even though I failed geometry doesn’t mean I’m a total failure.

Your self-worth is built in.  Your value is inborn.  You matter!