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Wife is going into labor

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by April 25, 2017 Joke's Time

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labour.

As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.

They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. [restrict]

The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.

The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.”

The husband says he can’t feel anything.

Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much.

The husband says he sill can’t feel anything.

The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%.

The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.

The baby is born.

The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

***

Monks in the monastery

Posted on December 26, 2016 by Harry

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words.

Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance.

He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.”

Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.”

It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”

“I’m not surprised,” the head monk says.

“You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

***

A writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

***

My birthday

A kindly old lady came across a little boy sitting on the pavement crying his eyes out.

‘What’s the matter?’ she asked. ‘It’s my birthday!’ he hollered.

‘And I had a bicycle and a new tracksuit and this afternoon there’s to be a party with crisps and jelly and a birthday cake and a disco afterwards. . .’ and he had to stop talking because he was crying so hard.

‘But that’s lovely,’ said the old lady.

‘Why are you crying?’ ‘Because I’m lost!’

***

FISHING

There was a salmon fisherman who was out in the ocean fishing when his boat sank.

He was lucky enough to make to a deserted island where he had to survive on what he could find.

When the Coastguard eventually found him, the leader noticed there was a fire pit with California Condor feathers all around.

He went over to the fisherman and said, “You know, it’s illegal to kill a California Condor, I’m afraid I’m going to have to arrest you.”

The fisherman protested for some time saying that he killed it because he was going to starve but eventually he calmed down.

“Out of curiosity” the coastguard asked, “What did it taste like?”

The fisherman replied, ” Well, it was kind of a mix between a snowy owl and a bald eagle.” [/restrict]

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