Who is really running your life?
“Life without reflection is not worth living!”
Last week’s article was about true self as the way to love and care for the children that came through us. A false self will distort reality to meet his/her emotional needs and consequently have Ngelekek Chelsel (family hero) and Ngelekek Budel (the scapegoat). This is not the parents’ intent. The truth is our parents are victims of victims… and we stop the cycle and learn to love unconditionally. One cannot love from a false self just as false self cannot worship a true God. False self functions by outward behavior [performance] when the heart is devoid of love. False self uses rules and regulations as measuring stick to label their children and others. There’s a difference between disciplining (training) a child to make right choices and demanding obedience which causes a child to fear. Fear of punishment, that is. This is known as spiritual abuse. When a child is told to obey but fails, they are usually labeled as “bad” which is extreme shaming. John Lynch, in his book, “TrueFaced” said that our trying so hard to “Keeping the Appearances” hardens us because it feeds our False Self. [restrict]
Dr. Lynch explained that living from False-Self abuses and exploits others [with good intentions]; however false by categorizing them as: 1) Arrogance packaged in teaching; 2) Control disguised as protection; 3) manipulation wrapped as concern; and 4) exploitation marketed as opportunities.
Arrogance packaged in teaching promotes inferiority complex (shame). Inferiority complex wears a mask of pride and arrogance because their teaching is correct. The child grows up believing that he must perform according to the teaching to be accepted as one of them or find security based on their wealth, education, and status!
To control disguised as protection promote fears of abandonment, rejection, especially fear of hell. Fear immobilizes a child and (grown adult child) from exploring this phenomenally wild world; afraid to take risks by discovering who they are and be managed by their true Self. In other words, these children never leave the nest (psychologically). Have you ever wondered why you are being controlled by your parent(s) emotionally even though they live in another house or another country?
Manipulation wrapped as concern promotes guilt. Children will feel guilty for not being “perfect” as expected and will be driven by guilt… they do things to pay for their mistakes, will perform to please their parents, appease their gods, and be accepted by the society. The sad thing is; people driven by guilt are never free. They make you feel guilty because being happy.
Exploitation marketed as opportunities – promotes reality distortions. In other words, living a lie… a child will avoid stress by discounting, ignoring or denying potentially harmful things. They will stress themselves by inventing or magnifying problems. Example: a spouse will blame his/her partner as cause for their problem and insists “My childhood and early family were fine / wonderful / healthy / loving / functional /…” when they clearly weren’t. It is also believing “My parent/s really loved me,” and being unable to describe how they demonstrated that; and/or amplifying, distorting, or inventing parental behaviors to “prove” their love. Of course, our parents loved us; they loved us based on what they grew up with or what they learned to be true. It is not their fault, they just didn’t know. Blaming them (or anyone for that matter) keeps a victim!
To find freedom from being a victim of shame, guilt, fear, and cognitive distortions require brutal honesty – so pause, breath, reflect.
Make honesty your best friend! [/restrict]