The Lottery Winner

  13 Jan 2017

One Saturday evening Lorraine came home, screeching her car into the driveway, she ran into the house, slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, ‘Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery.’

Tony, her husband called out, ‘Oh my God. What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?’ [restrict]

‘Doesn’t matter,’ Lorraine continued, ‘Just get out.’

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The Auction

One Saturday morning in Whyte’s Auction House the bidding was proceeding furiously and strongly when the Chief Auctioneer suddenly announced, ‘A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing ten thousand dollars. If returned, he will pay a reward of two thousand dollars.

There was a moment’s silence in the auction house and from the back of the room came a cry, ‘Two thousand five hundred.’

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All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight ‘safety lecture’ a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples of funny airline cabin crew announcements:

‘Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.’

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight a announced, ‘Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.’

‘Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.’

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Big Eric

One day, Dave, the bus driver, was in his bus when the biggest man he had ever seen got on. The giant looked at the driver and growled, ‘Big Eric doesn’t pay’ , and took his seat.

Dave was only a little man and he didn’t really want to argue.

This happened for several days. After a week, Dave was beginning to get a little angry. Everybody else paid, so why not the big man?

So Dave went to the gym and started a course of body-building. He didn’t want to be frightened of Big Eric any longer.

Eight weeks later the driver had strong muscles and was feeling very fit.

At the usual stop, Big Eric got on. ‘Big Eric doesn’t pay’ , he barked; but this time Dave was prepared for him. He stood up, shaking slightly, and said between clenched teeth, ‘Oh, yeah? And why doesn’t Big Eric pay?’

‘Because Big Eric has got a bus pass’, the man replied. [/restrict]