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The Drunkard

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by March 28, 2017 Joke's Time

John was the cop in a small town where everyone knew each other. One night, during his night patrol, he spotted the town drunk walking down the street looking like he was up to no good. “Hey!” Said John, rolling down his window. “Your not heading for any trouble, are you?” “No sir!” Responded the drunkard with a big smile, “I’m heading to a lecture!” A lecture?! thought the cop incredulously at 1 am!? this I gotta see! After following him for a few blocks John was surprised to see him going into his house. “Hey!” John screamed  out his window. [restrict] “I thought you were heading to a lecture?!” The drunkard just held his index finger and headed inside. Sure enough within a minute John heard the lecture loud and clear through the upstairs window, “JUST WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING OUT ALL THIS TIME YOU NASTY GOOD-FOR-NOTHING…”

****

A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.

The boss asks him, “What do you think is your worst quality?”

The man says “I’m probably too honest.”

The boss says, “That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”

The man replies, “I don’t care about what you think!”

My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.

****

Grandma

“Hi! My name is Gertrude,” said the lady next to him on the plane.  “It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little thumbkin and now he’s already three!  It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what?  Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me.  Let me take a look in my purse, yes, here it is, just look at him, isn’t he adorable. Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day.

Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone!  He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest voice “Hi Grandma!” It just gets me all teary eyed.” After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude seemed to realize that perhaps she was talking a bit too much. “You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise!

Tell me..what do you think about my Grandson!”

***

Grandma

“Hi! My name is Gertrude,” said the lady next to him on the plane.  “It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little thumbkin and now he’s already three!  It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what?  Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me.  Let me take a look in my purse, yes, here it is, just look at him, isn’t he adorable. Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day. Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone!  He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest voice “Hi Grandma!” It just gets me all teary eyed.” After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude seemed to realize that perhaps she was talking a bit too much. “You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise! Tell me..what do you think about my Grandson!”

***

Good News Bad News

Bob was  in a terrible motorcycle accident and his legs weren’t in great shape, to say the least. After a couple of weeks of therapy, it soon became clear to the Doctor that they were just pushing off the inevitable. Due however, to Bob’s frail condition, the Doctor was afraid to give him the bad news.  Instead, he gave the sorry job to Bob’s wife of 40 years, hoping that she  would know how to break the bad news to him ever so slowly and gently.

Honey”, said Bob’s wife Eva the next morning, “I’ve got good news and bad news, which one would you like to hear first?”

Bob, always in a morbid state, responded in his usual grumpy voice, “what do I care? Just give me the bad news!”

“Well dear,” said Eva cupping Bob’s hand with her two hands, “I hate to have to tell you this, but it seems like your legs are going to have to be taken off.”

Bob, barely able to hold his voice from cracking croaked out,  “Eva, what’s the good news?”

“The good news” said Eva happily, “is that that the gardener that was in here just before, said he may be interested in buying your slippers from you!” [/restrict]

 

 

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