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Quarantine

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by September 26, 2016 Joke's Time

“I hate to have to tell you this”, said the Doctor in a sad compassionate voice,  “but you have been unfortunately been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease, we will have to quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna

“That’s terrible!” Said the distraught young man, quickly sitting down before he could faint. “I don’t know if I could handle being in quarantine…and the cheese and bologna diet… [restrict]

“What’s with the cheese and bologna diet anyway? I’ve never of such a diet before?!”

“It’s not exactly a diet”, responded the Doctor matter of factly, “it’s just the only food that will fit under the door!”

***

Marriage Fight

Mary and Dave got along pretty well. But there was one thing that drove Mary absolutely crazy, and that was no matter how many times she told Dave how important it was to her that he come on time for dinner, he never did.

It was after one such spat that he got down on his knees and said “Mary, I promise I am turning over a new leaf.  From now on I will be on time for dinner!”

Well, the next day, promptly at 5 o’clock, Dave locked up his shop and headed out the door to his car. When suddenly out of nowhere a car pulled up next to his parked car and hit Dave.  Dave was rushed to the hospital.  Luckily they let him out after 3 hours and he walked in the door to his house at 8 o’clock.

Mary was livid! “Wait I can explain” pleaded Dave, “I got run over by a car!”

“REALLY!?,” screamed Mary, “IT TAKE 3 HOURS TO GET RUN OVER BY A CAR!?

***

It Started Joke John walks into his 5th floor apartment after a long day of work, he exhaustively sinks into his favorite arm chair, puts up his footrest, turns on the TV, and turns to his wife Hannah, “Honey, please get me a hard drink, I think it’s about to start.”

Hannah rolls her eyes, heads to the kitchen, takes out a beer from the fridge, and brings it to John.

“Honey”, said John, two minutes later, “please get me another one quickly before it starts.”

“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING!” Hannah exclaimed, “DO YOU THINK I’M YOUR PERSONAL WAITER!? YOU PLOP YOURSELF DOWN ON YOUR EASY CHAIR AND EXPECT ME TO BE ON YOUR BECK AND CALL!? IS THAT ALL I’M GOOD FOR!?

John sighs, and mutters under his breath, “it started….”

****

Fur Coat

Anne went away to college and promptly became an avid animal right activist. When she came home for the Holidays she noticed her mother wearing a beautiful genuine fur coat.

“Oh Mom,” Anne exclaimed in a disapproving tone, “some animal must have suffered terribly just so you can get a fur coat.”

“ANNE!” Screamed her Mom Aghast ” I SEND YOU AWAY TO COLLEGE AND YOU COME BACK TALKING LIKE THAT?!

HOW DARE YOU TALK THAT WAY ABOUT YOUR DAD!!!”

****

Good News Bad News

Bob was in a terrible motorcycle accident and his legs weren’t in great shape, to say the least. After a couple of weeks of therapy, it soon became clear to the Doctor that they were just pushing off the inevitable. Due however, to Bob’s frail condition, the Doctor was afraid to give him the bad news.  Instead, he gave the sorry job to Bob’s wife of 40 years, hoping that she  would know how to break the bad news to him ever so slowly and gently.

“Honey”, said Bob’s wife Eva the next morning, “I’ve got good news and bad news, which one would you like to hear first?”

Bob, always in a morbid state, responded in his usual grumpy voice, “what do I care? Just give me the bad news!”

“Well dear,” said Eva cupping Bob’s hand with her two hands, “I hate to have to tell you this, but it seems like your legs are going to have to be taken off.”

Bob, barely able to hold his voice from cracking croaked out,  “Eva, what’s the good news?”

“The good news” said Eva happily, “is that that the gardener that was in here just before, said he may be interested in buying your slippers from you!”

****

Telemarketer

Listen a job is a job, we all need to find away to put bread on the table don’t we? To make a long story short I’m a telemarketer that’s my job and that’s what I do.

It’s not a job everyone appreciates, but it’s a job I enjoy and am proud of.

The other day I called a house and a real nice lady answered the phone, she was really helpful and friendly, she was the type of lady that helps a telemarketer get through a long day. After some pleasantries  I asked  if Mr. Smith was in, “I’m sorry”, she answered “I’m afraid he doesn’t live here anymore.

” Now that was a real disappointment being that she was a nice lady and all, but I took it all in a stride, “I’m sorry to hear that ma’am. Do you happen to have his new number.”

“Sure thing!” The woman cheerfully replied,  listing off his new number.

I hung up the phone and quickly called the new number and was surprised to hear a recording.

“Thank you for calling Green Acres Cemetery…” [/restrict]

 

 

 

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