OLD WOMAN WAS CALLED FOR JURY DUTY
When my 88-year-old mother was called for jury duty, she had to submit to questioning by the opposing lawyers.
“Have you ever dealt with an attorney?” asked the plaintiff’s lawyer.
“Yes. I had an attorney write my living trust,” she responded. [restrict]
“And how did that turn out?”
“I don’t know,” she said, “Ask me when I’m dead!”
A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom.
The man says, “I swear, it’s not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down, it magically reappears in my hand!”
“I don’t believe you,” says the cop. “Show me.”
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man’s empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
“Well,” says the cop, “where are the drug now?”
GRIEVING AT THE GRAVE
A man was at a graveyard. He began to moan, “Why did you die. Oh, why did you have to die?”
A passer-by knelt down next to the man and said, “Was this person very close to you?”
“No, actually I never met him!” asked the passer-by courteously.
“He was my wife’s first husband!”
The rabbit is dead
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.
He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hopping they will think it died of natural cause.
A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, “Did you hear that Fluffy died?”
The guy stammers and says, “Um… no.. what happened?”
The neighbor replies, “We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!
Wife: “What are you doing?”
Wife: “Nothing? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.”
Husband: “I was looking for the expiration date.”
Harry prays to God: Dear Lord, please make me win the lottery. The next day Harry begs the Lord again: Please make it so I win the lottery, Lord! The next day, Harry again prays: Please, please, dear Lord, make me win the lottery! Suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, would you kindly go and buy a lottery ticket.
Teacher: “OK class, who will give me the chemical formula for water?”
Teacher: “What on earth are you on about?”
Pupil: “Well you said yourself yesterday it was H to O!” [/restrict]