Living Underground

  12 Jan 2018

Denying your hatred only takes you from loving. People put you down because they’re not sure of themselves.  When they shame or humiliate you in a crowd, it’s because they’re jealous or envious of you. They’re suffering with toxic shame.  Toxic shame unconsciously believes something is so wrong with me. [restrict]

Toxic shame is a terrible thing because it makes one proud unconsciously. Selfish pride is nothing but a cover up.  Like Adam and Eve covered themselves with the fig leaves because they realized they were naked and were ashamed.
Let me dish out some dirt here to prove a point.  A young woman I’ll call Marge stood up to speak in public conference.  She was young, intelligent, double-degree and good-looking. She was in her element; capturing her audience with conviction.  An older woman in the audience said to her friend sitting next to her,  “Chesilch!”  When Marge confided in me I said, “A chedil ng chebuul, nguibs er kau. She’s actually projecting her own toxic shame.”

The most childish form of envy is greed. When I envy someone I begrudge her for qualities she possess:  wisdom, courage, charisma, etc.   Ultimately self-assertion and greed are the disguises envy uses to cover up the core issue which is toxic shame. Toxic shame is a deep sense of being defective.  (There must be something wrong with me because… a recording on repeat: Ngera me ngdiak bomua… This is tough to recognize because it’s unconscious – split personality.

Being split or separated from the mind and freewill is common in shame-based people, always addicted to their toxic-shame.  (Our custom promotes toxic shame).  It is the source and wellspring of all their thoughts and behavior.  Everything is organized around preventing exposure. You can‘t even give up your mask and defenses against exposure.  It’s like holding three basketballs under water.  You cannot let your guard down for one second.   You’re always positioning, posturing… putting up a front.  Why do we call toxic-shame?  Like sewer hidden underground overflows into the streets when it rains. They overflow, infect and stink up the environment with toxin.

One classical writer wrote, “Envy is the pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.”

Some parents project their shame on their children by admiring other kids. Some criticize their kids harshly, correcting them incessantly that eventually destroy their power to choose. These are emotional abuses that carry an intended affect of hatred.  Planting deep within their kids’ hearts envy, jealousy, and insecurity.  This is where they learn to hate themselves.  Most of the time, these kids run so far with determination and ambition to prove otherwise.  Either to self-improvement or self-destruction.  The problem with this kind of thinking is: IT’S INSATIABLE. Ngua dil meched a rengrir. They grow old but they never grow up.  The apprehension of other’s superiority forces a critical evaluation of self to project their anxieties and fears on others. But we can’t build our life on someone else’s misery.

Again, denying hatred, takes you far from love.  Denial of painful experiences keeps toxic. Fear of not measuring up as the next person takes you deeper into self-hatred.  But God’s love drives out fear.    [/restrict]