Layoffs are Tough
Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees – always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn’t making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. [restrict]
But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it.
He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.
So, he sits in his office and watches them work.
Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.
Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, “Sarah, I’m going to have to lay you or Jack off.”
Sarah says, “Can you jack off? I have a headache.”
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.’
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to…’
‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’
‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good.
Did you know babies are my specialty?’
‘Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped.
Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’
‘Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed.
And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’
‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’
‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’
‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Smith.
‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.
I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’
Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said.
‘Oh, my God!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat
‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.
‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith
‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.
People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look’
‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?’
‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes… Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.’
‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.
It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.’
Mrs. Smith fainted!
Sailors new baby
The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby.
Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
“Was it my friend Sam”, he demanded.
“No !” his weeping wife replied.
“Was it my friend Jim then?” he asked.
“NO !!!” she said even more upset.
“Well which one of my no good friends did this then?” he asked.
“Don’t you think I have any friends of my own?” she snapped. [/restrict]