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by March 17, 2017 Joke's Time

It was Grandpa Jones’ 100th birthday and he was still in perfect health. At his birthday party he was asked how he managed to live so long and stay so fit.

He explained, “I put my long life down to spending so much time out of doors. I’ve been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for the last 75th years.” “How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous fitness regime?” we asked. “It’s simple” he said. “When I married my wife 75 years ago, we both made solemn pledge on our wedding night. We agreed that whenever we ever had a fight, whoever was proved wrong would go outside and take long walk.” [restrict]

****

Sam’s girlfriend’s birthday was the same day as his father’s. He bought his girlfriend a bottle of perfume and his father a pistol. He wrapped the perfume and wrote a note to his girlfriend, saying, ‘Use this all over yourself and think of me.’ Unfortunately he put the note on his father’s present

. ****

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new car for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. “Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.” So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

****

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, “A bottle of wine?” His employees replied, “No.” Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. “A bottle of scotch?” “His employees replied again, “No.” Finally the boss asked, “I give up. What is it?” His workers responded, “A puppy.”

****

Johnny had long heard the stories of an amazing 21st Birthday family tradition. His father, grandfather, and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Johnny‘s 21st birthday came around, he and his friend Jill took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Johnny stepped out of the boat, and nearly drowned! Jill just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Johnny went to see his grandmother. “Grandma,” he said, ‘it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?” Granny looked deeply into Johnny‘s troubled eyes and answered, “Because your father, your grandfather, and your great-grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July.

****

Little Johnny: Mom, do you know what I’m going to give you for your birthday? Mom: No, dear, what? Little Johnny: A nice teapot. Mom: But I’ve got a nice teapot. Little Johnny: No you haven’t. I’ve just dropped it. **** Rich was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, “I don’t have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday – she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.” His buddy said, “I have an idea – why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it – she’ll probably be thrilled.” So the that’s what Rich did. The next day at the bar his buddy said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?” “Yes, I did,” said Joe. “Did she like it?” His buddy asked. “Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling “I’ll be back in an hour!”

****

A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang “Happy Birthday” to him. But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number. “Don’t let it bother you,” said the stranger on the phone, “you folks need all the practice you can get.

” ****

The young parents were concerned because their son, Jimmy, had begun using unkind words that he learned in school. One day, the mother overheard Jimmy calling his sister a “stupid head.” “Jimmy,” she said. “Your birthday is next week. Your father and I bought five presents for you. From now on, every time you use a bad word I’m going to take one of the presents away.” “That’s stupid,” said Jimmy. “O.K., young man,” said the mother, “you just lost one of your presents. Now you only have four. What do you have to say for yourself?” “If I tell you the sentence I’m thinking of right now,” said Jimmy, “I’ll lose the other four.” [/restrict]

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