Jokes

  27 Jan 2017

Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk?

Oh Harry, that would be lovely!

Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back? [restrict]

***

A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.

“That won’t help you, Joe, you know?”

“Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”

****

Police officer to a driver: “OK, driver’s license, vehicle license, first aid kit and warning triangle.”

Driver: “Nah, I’ve already got all that. But how much for that funny Captain’s cap?“

***

Job interview in a psychiatry:

So you’re interested in working with us. What is your experience with mentally disturbed people?

I’ve been on Facebook for 5 years now.

Very good, the job is yours.

***

When I greeted my boss in the morning, he told me to have a good day.

Who am I to argue? So I thanked him and went back home.

****

A girl asks a boy: “Peter, how much do you love me?”

The boy looks her in the eyes, “Look up at the stars, that’s how much I love you.”

The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”

Boy nods, “Exactly!”

***

Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.

I asked him if he knew kung fu or some other martial art.

He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”

“No it’s because you’re drinking MY beer!“

***

A police officer stops a car.

Officer: “Your driver’s license please.”

Driver: “I’m really sorry, I forgot.”

Officer: “At home?”

Driver: “No, to do it.”

***

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody lies around it. The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”

Son: “Yeah.”

Detector: “Beep.“

Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”

Detector: “Beep.”

Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”

Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“

Detector: “Beep.”

***

“So what are you doing today?”

-“Nothing.”

-“What the heck, you were doing nothing the whole day yesterday!”

-“That’s right, and I’m not finished yet.”

Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!”

Detector: “Beep.” [/restrict]