Jail Time

  19 Jan 2018

My daughter hates school.

One weekend she cried and fretted and tried every excuse not to go back on Monday.

Sunday morning on the way home from brunch, the crying, and whining built to a crescendo. [restrict]

At the end of my rope, I finally stopped the car and explained, “Honey, it’s a law. If you don’t go to school, they’ll put Daddy in jail.”

She looked at me, thought a moment, then asked, “How long would you have to stay?”

****

A guy goes to the supermarket…

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He’s rather taken a back because he can’t place where he knows her. So he says, “Do you know me?”

To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says, “Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?”

The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

***

Nuns at the Hospital

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, “No money in the bank.”

The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”

He said, “Just a spinster sister, who is a nun.”

The nun, slightly perturbed, said, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

**

Still single…

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”

Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”

His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”

The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”

Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.” [/restrict]