It doesn’t hurt to take a har…

  17 Apr 2018

It doesn’t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?”

***

Kidnapped

Most Friday nights at the naval station in Bermuda, we would assemble at the officer’s club after work. Z

One Friday, Rick, a newly married ensign, insisted he had to leave at 6 p.m.

We all tried to talk him into staying, but he’d promised his bride he’d be home by six. I offered to call home for Rick.

When his wife answered the phone, I said, ‘Rick has been kidnapped.

Put five dollars in small, unmarked bills in a plain brown paper bag and throw it in the door of the officer’s club.’ Then I hung up.

A short time later, a waiter brought a grocery bag to our table.

In it were Rick’s baseball glove, a tennis racket, and a teddy bear.

Attached to the bear was a note: ‘Rick can play kidnapped until 7 p.m. Then he must come home.’

***

A couple had not been getting…

A couple had not been getting along for years, so the husband buys his wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.

Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn’t get her anything.

“Why didn’t you get me a birthday present!?” she asks angrily.

“Are you kidding me?” he replies, “You didn’t use what I got you last year!”

***

I Want This Done Right

A man with a piece of paper in his hand comes into an office where another man is sitting next to a shredding machine.

“Do you know how to operate this thing?” he asks. “I have an important paper here and I want to make sure this is done right.”

“Sure,” the other man answers. “Just put the paper in here and press this button.”

The first man does so, saying, “Great. And where do the copies come out?”

***

My wife and her friend Karen w…

My wife and her friend Karen were talking about their labor-saving devices as they pulled into our driveway. Karen said, “I love my new garage-door opener.”

“I love mine too,” my wife replied, and honked the horn three times. That was the signal for me to come out and open the garage.