I Am Enough

  29 Jun 2018

“Freewill can’t function properly lost in fear!” – Jim Wilder

Let’s say you’re on a safari in Africa, sitting under a tree just taking in the view, enjoying the breeze. Suddenly a lion jumps out of the bushes five feet away, you won’t have time to scan the area for safety. You climb up that tree so fast hoping it’s tall enough.  If someone stubs you in the back with a knife, you can’t run or fight.  You bleed and die. Or you wait until he’s gone, if you’re still breathing and reach for you cellphone in your pocket and call 911.

A person said [of me], “Ngilecha kebelung e kedidai a rengul.” I was stubbed in the back. I numbed out for a while. I didn’t want to fight back or run to self-pity.  I chose to sit on it for months in avoidance.  I wasn’t ready to face the wound.  It was deep.  It was this experience that I learned to conceive the moment of my being and looked at the big picture.  First it was gossip. Gossip empowers the gossiper over you. Gossipers are never on your side.  They perversely want to see you suffer so they can comfort you with niceness.  Nice is not a virtue so don’t be fooled by nice.

Secondly,  I have my idiosyncrasies but that doesn’t mean I’m an idiot. Or am I?  In reflection, “Ngak ng kedidai a renguk?” It’s possible.  I can come across as arrogant because I believe in freedom of speech. Freedom of speech allows me to think. To think is to risk offending someone. Then there’s the reality of psychological projection.  Is he dumping his own fears on me.  People you care for hurt you more deeply than anyone.

“You may not control all the events that happen to you but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” – Maya Angelou

For many years, I lived in my ego. Ego is telling me to compare, prove, please, perfect, outperform, and compete.  Ego has very little tolerance for discomfort or self-reflection.  Ego doesn’t own stories or want to write new endings; it denies emotions and hates curiosity.  Instead, the ego uses stories as defense and excuses. The ego has a shame-based fear of being ordinary which is really narcissism.  Ego says, “Feelings are for losers and weaklings.”  Ego protects itself using anger, blame, and avoidance.  Avoidance is assuring offenders that we’re fine, pretending that it doesn’t matter.  The ego likes blaming, finding fault, making excuses, inflicting payback, and lashing out, all of which are ultimate forms of self-protection.  A-ha!

I knew that I can’t live in avoidance any longer.  Ngkora beab el mengertall ra chelsel a kboub. I gotta grow up more, set my boundaries, and detach emotionally.  In the meantime, I choose not live in scarcity.  I can only do my best. I am enough.

Those who think everyone is the same in intelligence, wealth and opportunities lack self-awareness. Without self-awareness, we believe we have arrived.  But we never arrive.  It’s a lifetime processes.  We get up from our falls, overcome our mistakes, and face our hurt in a way that brings more wisdom into our lives.