HIlarious jokes

  05 Sep 2017


  • If I’m driving you crazy, please remember to put your seatbelt on.
  • Chocolate doesn’t ask any questions. Chocolate simply understands.
  • The true nature of a human being clearly shows when the supermarket opens a second cash desk. [restrict]
  • They say money doesn’t grow on trees, but why do banks have branches then?
  • Yeah, roll your eyes all you like, it won’t help you. You won’t find any brains back there.
  • An opportunist is the guy who drinks the water while the pessimist, the optimist and the realist are arguing about how full the glass is.
  • Before my first cup of coffee I hate everybody. That doesn’t change after I’ve had that coffee, but it feels much better.
  • I’m not lazy. I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.
  • If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!
  • You may think the grass is greener on the other side, but it’s possibly because there’s more manure there!
  • I’m not bossy, I simply know exactly what you should be doing.
  • If your friend asks for some of your chips, you can reply: There’s no ‘we’ in chips.
  • Roses are red, violets are blue, a face like yours belongs in the Zoo.
  • There is no lousy weather, only lousy choice of clothing.
  • Of all the dogs, a Hot Dog is the most noble; it feeds the hand that bites it.
  • Being British means driving your German car to an Irish pub to have a Belgian beer, then grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way home where you rest on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
  • I’m not reading any instructions. I just press buttons until it does what I want.
  • A true optimist is the guy who falls off a skyscraper and after 50 floors thinks to himself – well, so far so good!
  • I refuse to have a battle of wits with an opponent so clearly unarmed.
  • When someone is being stupid:
  • You should really start thinking about changing your dealer! [/restrict]

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