Funny quotes

  14 Feb 2017

  • A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
  • “If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.” [restrict]
  • Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.
  • Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic and so am I.
  • The trouble with political jokes is that very often they get elected.
  • Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
  • Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
  • “Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.”
  • Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
  • I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
  • If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
  • We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.
  • “I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night.”
  • The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
  • “Why did the chicken cross the road? Because you didn’t cook it!”
  • I’m not addicted to coke, I just love the way it smells
  • I can resist everything except temptation.
  • “I’m sorry I slapped you. It’s just you seemed like you weren’t going to stop talking and I panicked.”
  • Never interrupt your enemy when he’s making a mistake.
  • Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  • A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
  • “I didn’t give you the finger…you earned it.”
  • The early bird catches the worm, eats more and dies sooner.  [/restrict]

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