The one who betrayed us and abandoned and abused us the most was ourselves. That is how the emotional defense system that is Codependence works. The battle cry of Codependence is “I’ll show you – I’ll get me.”” – Robert Burney, Author of “The Dance of Wounded Souls.”
“Happiness is an inside job.” John Powell
I read somewhere “You are attracted to who you are more than anything else.” In other words, you need to identify why you are attracted to toxic relationship. It took me a while to get the meaning. I began to see how our brokenness is attracted to their brokenness.” It’s like you are drawn to those who will hurt you the way you’re hurting. We feel the need to help the other person because unconsciously we long for someone to fill the void within ourselves – the part in us that needs help? A classic codependence. Burney calls it, “The Dance of a Wounded Soul.”
Toxic relationship is born out of a belief that someone is going to make me secure, accepted, and significant. Toxic relationship drains life and energy out of you. They steal your joy. They destroy and kill your heart. Toxic is poisonous that blinds you from seeing yourself so you blame when others do not make you feel worthy. Toxic relationship is like a drug. It can feel very good at a time and you believe he makes you feel good, then a pin drop and you’re going down so fast, you can hardly breathe.
If your spouse, friend, sibling, co-worker, or parent diminishes your value, your confidence, your self-esteem when they open their mouths, you’re deep in toxic relationship. When there’s no loyalty, no trust, you’re always accused or suspected of something, it is toxic. And when you are forced to be someone else.
“Toxic” doesn’t only involve obvious damage like physical abuse, stealing, or name-calling. It causes internal unrest that resulted from an unhealthy relationship. One of the things that enables you to quickly notice toxic relationship is whatever you say or do is not right. They mock your personality, and speak evil about you, making you feel ashamed or unwanted most of the time. You only feel pardoned and accepted when you take on the traits of the person doing the condemning or judging. This is toxic at its worse.
Toxic relationship bring out the worst in you instead of bringing out the best in you. We would know one way or another if we remember that change and growth should feel good. We know if we are loved intuitively because its only motive is our happiness.
We must stop looking outside of ourselves to relieve ourselves of our anxieties and fears. We must stop hoping that he/she will fill the void in our life. It is important to realize that no one can give us worth or value. Our value is built in. Our worth is inborn. You worth is in the fact that you exist. You were born. You are a person. You are here.
It is necessary to own and honor the child we were in order to love the person we are. And the only way to do that is to own that child’s experiences, honor that child’s feelings, and release the emotional grief energy that we are still carrying around through forgiveness. ###