Do Not Talk to the Parrot

  18 Apr 2017

Rhonda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don’t worry about my bulldog. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!” [restrict]

When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you st…d ugly bird!”

To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”

****

A Personal Call

One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message and then said, “You know my name. What’s yours?”

“4136,” I replied, since we were allowed only to give our operator numbers.

Sounding disappointed, he said, “May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?”

****

Shopping Advice

 

Kathy was shopping in the mall with her two children and a display in the window of a lingerie store caught her eye.

“Do you think Daddy would like this?” she asked the kids, as she pointed to the lacy pajamas with matching robe.

“No way,” four-year-old Rian replied. “Daddy would NEVER wear that!”

****

Communication Chain

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at “Mom” and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.

“Don’t worry,” she said, “I’ll take care of it.”

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was “Mom.”

“Martin,” she said, “you left your cell phone at the convenience store.”

***

Day Off

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”

The man replies, “And how would you do that?”

The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”

The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”

The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”

The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”

The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

***

A Good Look for You

When I was 28, I was teaching English to high school freshmen. Fridays were dress-down days.

One Friday I came to school wearing a college sweatshirt and jeans. A student took a look at me and his eyes widened.

“Wow!” he said. “You should wear jeans every day, you look twenty or thirty years younger.” [/restrict]