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A Letter from Mom

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by July 8, 2016 Joke's Time

Dear Son,

 

I’m writing this letter slow, because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address as the last people who stayed here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn’t have to change their address. [restrict]

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works too well: last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since. The weather here isn’t too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. We got another bill from the funeral home. It said that if we don’t make the last payment on Grandma’s funeral, she will come up again.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether it’s a girl or a boy, so I don’t know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your uncle, Jatinder fell in a whisky vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out, he rolled

down the window and swam to safety. The other drowned because they couldn’t get the tail gate down.

There isn’t much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love,

Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

***

Wait Until the Baby Cries

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 75 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 75 year old mother says, “Not yet.”

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, “Not yet.”

Finally they say, “When can we see the baby?”

“When the baby cries.”

“Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?”

The new mother says, “Because I forgot where I put it.”

****

Recruiting Crisis

The chief of staff of the Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in a recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?”

The young man looks at him and says, “I’m a pilot!”

The general turns to his aide and says, “Sign him up — all the paper work done, everything, do it today!” The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, “What skills can you bring to the Air Force?”

The young man says, “I chop wood!”

“Son,” the general replies, “We don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force. What else do you know how to do?”

“I chop wood!” the young man repeats.

The general huffs, “You are not listening to me. We don’t need wood choppers; this is the 21st century!”

“Well,” the young man says, “you hired my brother.”

“Of course we did,” says the general, “But he’s a pilot!”

The young man rolls his eyes and says, “I have to CHOP it before he can pile it!” [/restrict]

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